[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Cat is stressing him out.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along