Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
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feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
#TopTip
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King