The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
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[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
mom had nothing to worry about
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.