trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
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Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”