After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Fights fire with marshmallows
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Who knew!
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
asked my bf how work was today
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂