My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
As the Lord intended
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
*puts my mental health in rice
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.