any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.