[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.