who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
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There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.