it is time once again
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Name this drama.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.