Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.