Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
You Might Also Like
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
channeling her this year
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair