I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.