Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die