HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
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No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.