Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
You Might Also Like
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”