Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
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Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
This is painfully accurate 😅
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I have obtained a hat
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
just left a huge legacy in there
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Human are so complicated
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.