the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
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“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”