[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
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SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Pickled cat.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.