Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.