If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
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dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*