I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
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[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.