My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
black phone good
Velcrow
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
new career option?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.