ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to