Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
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Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
A small tragedy.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures