The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
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i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.