16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
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*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?