Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
A short story of betrayal:
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.