best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
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My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”