I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb