Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
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Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Any refunds available?…
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
a god among men
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.