My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.