SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
White parent Vs Arab parents
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.