*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
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The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
A tragic love story in two pictures.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
as is their right
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.