“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory