Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
man i love columbo
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension