Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
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One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.