For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
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The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Camping tip: No.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
honestly, i need both:
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah