if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor