“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
You Might Also Like
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?