Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
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I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Pizza is an emotion right?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.