My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
You Might Also Like
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.