me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.