TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
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Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”