Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
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Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
asking santa clause for nudes
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
i choose….tongue
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.