I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
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I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
sistine chapel
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
LOL!
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder