The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
They’re on their honeymoon
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
this came to me in a vision
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout