Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
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Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”