If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
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If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
🏙👨🏼
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.