Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
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A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first